Harry Potter and the End of the World

Hello there.

Last Wednesday, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" made its way into theaters much to the delight of children, parents, and dorks everywhere. I truly think that the name of this film could/should have been "Harry Potter: The Sh*t Hits the Fan." Regardless, people from all walks of life dusted off their Griffindor scarves, called in to work, and stood in line for hours to celebrate the sixth year of organized witchcraft, while denying the existence of God and consequences of one's actions.

Possibly the most entertaining part of my "Potter experience," was the "2012" trailer in front of this movie. Submitted for your approval:

This "thrill-ride" includes an "all-star" cast, such as Hollywood starlet Amanda Peet, because Saving Silverman apparently tested her acting chops enough to give her a "serious" role. I imagine the director/casting director saw the scene between her and R.Lee Ermey and said:
"My God...(removes glasses). I MUST have her."

I feel like I should stop for a second and apologize for all of the quotations, however I find them all necessary to convey the sarcasm.

Anywho, Amanda Peet plays the damsel in distress (a complete turn around to the super controlling bitch in Silverman (the only other movie I have seen her in, btw). John Cusack (of "Say Anything," "High Fidelity," and "Con Air" fame) plays the savior of mankind. God knows that without the help of Mr. Cusack, the world would surely have plunged into darkness, spent its final moments and descend into history as a failed experiment, highlighted by Spencer Pratt, Flava Flav, and any hand full of modern musicians (see Daughtry).

But thank God that John Cusack is on our side. Hopefully as all major landmarks of the world crumbled and our way of life ceased to be, our brave knight, John MF'n Cusack, could be there to hold up his boom box as it screamed "Shock the Monkey." It is truly an injustice that we were not able to recruit his older brother, Joan, though. He would have proved to be a tremendous asset in this war against the biblical apocalypse.

In the finest role he has ever played or ever will play, Danny "Gone Fishin'...for an appropriate book-end to my career" Glover plays the...I'm sorry, I almost can't say it. Danny Glover...plays...the...president? Goodness. There has not been a more believable President since Bill Pullman in "Independence Day." I'm sure the leader of the free world, while being exposed to secrets of National Security, would be terrified by such an innocent creature as Casper, the FRIENDLY, pre-pubescent, floating pussowalski ghost. To get just an eyedropper full of the acting prowess of President Pullham, one need only look as far as the clip below. Spoiler alert: It's in Spanish.



In a healthy dose of irony, the director of this sure shit-fest is Roland Emmerich, who is also the director of INDEPENDENCE DAY (home of President Pullham), The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla (Ferris Bueller Version), Stargate, and Universal Soldier (ahh...Jean Claude Van Damme, or JCVD as he is affectionately know...100% American indeed.)

Wow...2012, Independence Day, and the Day after Tomorrow, good luck branching out to a non disaster movie, Roland. Btw, my 5th grade music teacher was named Mrs. Roland, who I'm sure was just as fat and stupid as you.

Also in this film is Oliver Platt, who will forever live in my mind as Jimmy King in the 2000 classic, "Ready to Rumble." For those of you who didn't watch wrestling as a child (or adolescent...or adult?), Ready to Rumble was an abomination starring David Arquette playing someone who has no business being in a feature film, and some other spikey haired douche, who manages to weasel his way into the "Ocean's" movies with A-list actors. That teat has likely been sucked dry, and he will surely wind up in the next "Scorpion King" or "Behind Enemy Lines" strait-to-dvd threequel. But I digress...

The movie was loosely based around a professional wrestling storyline in which Oliver Platt played...you guessed it...a professional wrestler. What's that? You don't remember this dose of cinematic excellence? Walk with me down memory lane, sugar. Note the "Sherminator" cameo:



There. Feel like you just wasted 2:22 of your life? You are not alone, friend. Even as someone who appreciated pro wrestling for a big part of his life, I still found myself asking how this was a movie, and to whom it was meant to appeal. You recognized the spikey-haired douche, didn't you? Ya know, I kinda wish they would keep making Ocean's movies. Like, for a ridiculous amount of time, like the "Land Before Time" series. Eventually, there will just be a border on each DVD that says "Ocean's"...that's right, no number. The big stars will exit one by one, till it's just the spikey haired douche, and Bernie Mac.

Too soon?

That being said, I will most likely see "2012." I find that I enjoy films in which oblivious bystanders live their fragile, empty lives, then ultimately receive their comeuppance from an omnipotent force, be it aliens, God, or otherwise.

As for the newest Potter movie...it was good. Alan Rickman as Snape is awesome and I find myself impatiently waiting till he is on the screen again. His ten second pauses between words alone is worth the price of admission. My only hope is that in the next two movies, Snape has a sentence that lasts the entire movie. Don't worry, there will be other scenes. The film will just cut back to Snape in a close up on his face saying "...Potter" or "...the...Dark...Lord."

It's dumb that they are splitting up the last book into two movies...you heard it here first.

In closing, go see Potter because it will surely be a better movie than "2012." But, if you are like me, and would like to see what President Danny Glover could do for America, sit through 2012.

Avada Kedavra

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
JL