Jessi and I decided to kick off our Christmas Movie/TV Marathon with the only decent Christmas movie of the new millennium: Elf. Believe it or not, this film is directed by Jon Favreau, but is oddly devoid of any appearance by Vince Vaughn. I think I speak for anyone who saw this movie when I say we dodged a major armor-piercing bullet on that one.
Think of it! They could have cross promoted that piece of sh*t movie "Fred Clause" with "Elf." Vaughn could have played Santa's fast-talking, smart ass brother who drinks alot and tries to have sex with Zooey Deschanel before Will Ferrell. Hell, he could try to nail every female in the movie and even a couple that are not... like Mrs. Clause! But I digress...
Since Elf is based on a popular kids book, the story is solid. It has enough appeal for kids and adults alike that most should enjoy. Will Ferrell manages to keep himself fully clothed for almost the entire movie, with the exception of a shower scene at the beginning and when he exposes his privates to Mary Steenburgen (whom Vince Vaughn could later nail).
There are several awesome cameos in Elf, including appearances by Andy Richter, Kyle Gass of Tenacious D, and the midget from 30 Rock. You know, the episode where Tina Fey's character mistakes a "little person" for a child and then it leads to a date? His appearance is not wasted, however. After taking numerous insults from Will Ferrel about his "midgetocity," our tiny friend gets to pummell Ferrell until his tiny fists are covered in blood. He then shoves his miniature body inside of Will's and explodes out of it, sending pieces of bone, sinew, and flesh all over the conference room.
But the casting is pretty solid in all the major roles. I would have liked, however so have seen someone different playing the tough, but lovable African-American department store manager/Santa coordinator. I feel this role would have been better suited for a Michael Clarke Duncan, a Tyreese or even a Biz Markie.
"Oh, Snap! Get yo ass back to da North Pole!"Jingle All the Way:
Gov. Schwarzenegger, we hardly knew ye... After watching this movie on night two of our marathon, I regretted watching it so soon in the month. Jingle All The Way is an awesome movie. I know what you're thinking, "Well Jacob likes crappy action movies and he will watch any abomination that Arnold Schwarzenegger is in." Right you are! But with a crappy action movie, you are guaranteed things like huge, ridiculous explosions, terrible one liners, and even worse acting.
This movie is a different beast entirely...
THIS movie happens to be a crappy FAMILY movie that stars the greatest action hero that ever lived. It combines the corny corn-fest of the family movie, and merges it with a huge, Austrian meat head and his son, Anakin Skywalker. Put these pieces together and "IT'S TEHRBO TIME!!!"
Jingle All The Way came out shortly after the gigantic "Tickle-Me-Elmo" craze of the 1990's, and the plot was spawned because of it. Arnold plays the sucky father, who misses all of little Anakin's childhood accomplishments. His one chance to make everything right with his son is to get him the most popular toy of the year: the amazingly Flash-like "Turbo Man." Seriously, take off the jet-pack and it's Flash. Gimme a break.
Arnold realizes it was, in fact, a tumor.Not convinced? Well throw in the genius of Phil Hartman playing the asshole next door neighbor, and add a name that is so terrifying that he has practically been banned from all television and movies for the past decade. Lock your doors, friend...it's SINBAD!!!!!
Playing the role of disgruntled Mailman "Myron," Sinbad delivers (pun intended) several memorable comedic gems. In one scene, he claims to have a goofy, light-hearted, homemade explosive device, which ultimately detonates and blackens about 10 police officers, ala Wile E. Coyote. Because if there is one thing that wrangles in the family laughs, its terrorism. While wrestling with said policemen, Sinbad makes a joke about Sickle Cell Anemia. I'm not kidding. There is a Sickle Cell Anemia joke in this movie.
In all fairness to Sinbad, he has, in fact, not been banned from all forms of entertainment. In 2008, he once again stole America's hearts when he played the unforgettable role of Bennie in the hit movie "Cuttin Da Mustard." He also starred alongside Harland Williams in the ABC Family series "Slacker Cats." See for yo' self...
So shed no tears for 'ol Sinbad. He's doin' JUST fine...
Till we meet again...
JL
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